Thank You Leith

Five years ago tomorrow August 18th I gave birth to a baby boy. Leith Angel Cabrera. Leith was born four months early so the chances of his survival were very slim. He was a fighter, he lived four days and then the Lord called him back home.

It's been a struggle to live life without him. For the first about six months I was mad, mad at God. How could he have done this to me? I loved my baby from the moment I knew he excited I had all these plans and dreams. I truly anticipated the day I would hold him in my arms and rock him, the day he would take his first step, the day I would push him on a swing, his first day school, the day he would serve a mission and then find a good wife. Never in a thousand thoughts did I imagine I wouldn't get to walk these footsteps with my son. I couldn't even Begin to try to understand why this had happened to me. I shut myself out of everything and everyone. there was nothing anyone could say or do to bring him back so I wanted nothing to do with anyone. That was a hard thing to over come I almost lost my husband, the love of my life because of the way I had decided to deal with this big trial. I always said I believed in the plan and that I trusted God, but when this happened I realized how weak my testimony really was. What I affirmed I believed had now turned into a great uncertainty.

I wasn't exactly living righteously at the time, in fact my testimony was just talk and no action, so that made it even harder. I started to realize I was loosing everything including myself, I sat down on my bed one night and analyzed my life and what I truly wanted, I remembered my baptism and how strongly I felt the spirit when the missionary sisters taught me. I truly felt that what they taught me was true, so then why wasn't I living by it? "Wake up Yonessy enough is enough". "Today is the day". "No more"! It was time to start accepting my trial and asking, What? What do you want me to learn from this? Not why did you do this to me?

Erick had shared with me his feelings about eternal families. "see baby, we haven't lost him forever", he would say. That was hard to believe since we hadn't even entered the temple. He tried to help me as much as he could but I couldn't except, my soul ached, I felt as though the reason to live had been lost. so He said to me, "I have tried to help you, and there is nothing else I can do. What you need to do is pray for some kind of revelation, that's what you need to do". Ask God". So a week before I decided to start asking what instead of why I did what Erick suggested I prayed and asked for something to help me with my pain. The Lord answered about a week after my plead. I had a dream, Leith was about three or four and he was in a crib standing up and reaching out his hand though the bars and he said to me "Mama don't cry for me anymore, I'm OK and I'm waiting for you." That's what made me analyze my life and make the decision to start accepting.

Of course I want to see my son again, yes I want to be his eternal mother.It was as if I could see again. The Lord saw we were drifting away from his path, he loves us so much that he sent us a trail to help us back to the right road. He sent us Leith to push us back to him to make us want eternal life, he know we wouldn't want to be left without the opportunity to raise our son. He knew that would help guide us back.

It's been a long journey and many many tears have rolled down my cheeks it really has not been an easy road, but thanks to Leith's death we are an eternal family I believe that had he not come and left I would still be lost living an unworthy pointless life. It's been a struggle to realize the purpose of this hard trial but, today I can say I am living and feeling happy about my life even though at times I do find myself shedding a few tears, they are different kind of tears, it's hard to explain but they are not painful tears more like longing, longing to be with my son. I must admit I do let my mind drift a little and wonder what it would have been like to raise him, what kind of personality he would have had and what he would have looked like. I'm thankful for the lord's plan and for the choice I made to follow it. I know that if I continue to follow heavenly father's plan the time will come where I won't have to wonder what it would have been like, I will know what it's like, I will be reunited with my son. The time that I lost on earth without him won't even matter because I'll have him for eternity.

I want to take this time to thank my loving husband for standing by me and never leaving me alone. I want to thank him for never giving up on us and for his strong testimony that during the first years while I was struggling to gain mine served as an anchor for the both of us.

I'd like to thank God for choosing us to bare this trial and be eternal parents to such a special being. he is our Angel.
I love you Leith and I will never stop being amazed by what a big impact your very short life left on our family. I love you. sigue esperandonos en el cielo. TE AMO

missing home

Lately I've been so so home sick. I feel so distant and alone.
I wish I could sit on my moms lap and have her nibble on my ears like she did when I was a little girl. I miss her peeking in at me late at night to see if I was OK. I use to wake up an hour earlier just so I could crawl into her bed and cuddle.
If I close my eyes really really tight and think about home and the family I left behind I could almost hear the sound of the music playing in the streets, I wave back at the people that walk by, some complete strangers yet the urge to pass on the love and joy they feel in there simple lives is so valuable. I could almost feel the breeze cooling my body from such a hot day. I can see my mom pulling me up to dance bachata while we wait for the rice to cook. Now I'm jumping off a cliff and land into the perfect clear blue water... a perfect splash. I can hear my friends cheering me on as we begin to walk up the cliff to do all over again. I can smell the salt in the sea and hear the airplane flying up above. the sky is so blue there is barley a cloud insight. Now I am on our balcony hanging out with my mom. she loves it when I run my fingers through her hair and painting her toenails has always been my favorite... she has perfect feet. i miss eating her food so much and yet no matter how hard I try I can't remember what it taste like. I can't help but wonder... will I ever see her again in this life? Will I get to taste her delicious food once again? Will I be able to feel her tender loving arms wrapped around me once more? or will I have to wait until the next life to feel the joy of having my mother next to me?
My mother has taught me things that make me who I am today. I am a sharing person thanks to her. I remember that whenever she went to a friends house they would give her candy or a chocolate and she would always bring me half no matter the size or how good it was she always saved me half. I have a strong relationship with the savior because ever since I was little she talked to me about him and when I was sick she always told me to stay close to him and ask him for strength. My mother is my best friend and my hero. I only pray that I may be the kind of mother she is. If I can love my girls the way she loves me I know my girls will turn out great and will never feel alone in this world where a good friend can be hard to come by.